Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
