so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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