No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize