dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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