I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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