there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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