I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
