im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
