I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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