I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
