Whod you bang
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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