When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
