do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
