just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Two words: blizzard sex
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
