Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
