saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
