How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
