I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize