I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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