She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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