don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
