$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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