im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
