k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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