Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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