shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Of course I have a pirate flag
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
