I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize