Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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