do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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