The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
