ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
