also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
