when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
