I wannas sexs uuuuu
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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