I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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