When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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