Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
