I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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