I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
