I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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