Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
