haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Randomize
