Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
