I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize