It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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