if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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