My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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