Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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