Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
