i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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