I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Randomize
