So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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