We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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