Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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