so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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