awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
