So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
